Hooray, Hooray It's MOVING DAY!
"...Shiny and NEW! Like a Virgin, hey! Touched for the very first time!" whirls around and sees you standing there. Stops. Hey y'all! Why is it so dusty in here? Because I am moving! Rolling on over to join the fellow munuvanians HERE. I hope that you will keep stopping by! All 5 of you. Yes, this means YOU (rudely pointing finger in your face). Remember, as long as you keep coming, I'll keep pouring! See you over there!

PS, If you have linked me, would you mind changing it, pretty please? The new address is: http://hurlnecklace.mu.nu.

MWAH!

Paging, paging...

If you are that wonderful bunch of *cuddlies* who googled, and I MOTHERFUCKING QUOTE, "every woman is a whore and every whore has her price," I have one thing to say to you: How the hell did you find me? I'm too rich for your blood. Unless you own several Japanese restaurants. I kid, I kid. Having a hell of a day. Still up to my eyeballs in assignments.

I have EXCITING NEWS! Well, exciting for me, anyway. I was invited to join mu.nu. I will be transferring over to them in the next couple of days. As soon as my brain stops spinning around. When I get there, you can check me out at: http://hurlnecklace.mu.mu. Don't go there, yet! It is WHITE, and BARREN. I'm working on it. If any of you know how to fiddle around with MOVABLE TYPE, DIVULGE, DIVULGE!

We'll see y'all in between here and there, and on the other side.

Brain Drain

Do y'all ever have those days, weeks, months where you wonder if you'll make it out alive? I'm having one at the moment. Slower than a female driver driving by a 70% off shoe sale yapping on the cell phone (Read: ME. Except for the cell phone. That's illegal, and I can't work the damn thing. It's all in Japanese, and my classes didn't cover decoding the Homeric Epic that is their manual), unable to leap stacks of books littering the house with a hop, skip, or a jump, is that a....no! It's a....what the HELL is that (Squints to make out person hunched over that machine)? Hey, it's TCWH. Wait, wait, wait. Is she DROOLING? No. I'm not. But I did arrive at work today with one earring only. What kind of dumbass, rooting through her jewelry bowl slips in one earring and completely forgets about the other one? THAT'S ME!!! (Do I have to tell you to insert the eye/tooth twinkle here?)

This is what a dolt I am. Let me set the scene for you. Sunny Palau. Here's a pic:

DEE - GORGEOUS. I was swimming here one sunny day, crouched amongst the pebbles at the lip of the cove, watching my friend Ethan dunk his laughing face under the water. As he resurfaced, his sunglasses (which, if any of you have had burnt retinas must know, are as valuable as crack in Palau) slipped off his head and fell under the water. I, almost at eye level with the amazingly clear and beautiful water, watched those glasses fall, fall, fall to the bottom where they hit sand. 1 millisecond later, I spotted a freckle on my toe, dunked my head, and stood to join Ethan at the side of the canoe. What of the glasses, you say? I forgot them. In that split second. I could lie and say that I was hypnotized by the beauty of the spot, which is a distinct possiblity for many who have been there, but I cannot even cite this as an excuse. Nope. I just blanked it. Enter Momma. "Ethan, are those your glasses?" "Wha? Yes! Momma (not her real name. She doesn't want the man to find her. She will be protected.), I am SO GLAD you saw those.We've got a 3 hour paddle ahead of us. Into the sun!" he laughed easily, retrieving them and completely missing the look of utter disgust I had painted all over my pink cheeks.

*sigh* Palau.

*sigh* I am a DOLT.

At least I shaved both my legs today, but it mattered not, because I wore jeans. I REFUSE to wear anything less than floor length with kindergarten children. One of my students used to lay on the floor and try to catch glimpses up my floor length skirts. One little girl told on me because I wouldn't let her look down my shirt to see what color bra I was wearing. I'll spare y'all the details of that parent-teacher conference. Teachers wear many hats, but lingerie model is not one of them.

Back to the grindstone, y'all.

For those of you who do not have to torture yourselves writing papers for the wicked witch of the west and you would like to enjoy more pretty pictures, click here Wish I were there myself.

Umm? Hello?

I was going to hold off on blogging until I finished my paper, but then I opened AOL and *TADAAAH*!!! I am probably breaking a copyright law, but verily, verily, I say unto thee (ready?): THIS IS NOT MY PICTURE. I SHAMELESSLY BORROWED IT FROM AMERICA ONLINE. That being said,

Somebody with an excellent sense of humor approved this headline. I think that I have been perverted for life by going to college in the city of sin for so many years. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be working with small children. For an extended period of time.

Umm, and AOL, can I get some of that?

Saturday? OR It's Not the Size of Your Plate, It's How MUCH SHIT You Can Pile on It.

I don't know what the hell I've been doing lately. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I s'pose. I've been so busy that I haven't even had the time to complete a coherent thought (which makes getting my school work done DAMN HARD and a FUCKING pain in the ass) much less complete a coherent blog entry. Sorry. AND, I am convinced that there is some kind of conspiracy to rob me of blog-fodder. No comedy for you, TCWH! You will be thrust into mind-numbingly unfunny situations for weeks at a stretch! We (whoever "We" is) are tired of being made to look like asses on your blog! To you I say, you do a damn good job of it by yourself! I just call it as I see it. (Why in the hell do I spend so much time talking to imaginary people? Ummm...medication, anyone?) Here's some thoughts: (Shit you don't want to know, unless you probably know me. I just need to get it off my chest. So read it. Or don't. I won't be mad. I promise. I'm not smart enough to make one of those text disappearing/reappearing links.).


1. Sitting in the homestretch of the Master's Program. I am physically tired. I feel diluted. I try to live life OUT LOUD for the most part. And I just feel like a weak cup of tea. All bite and no bark. I JUST REALIZED WHY I have avoided working with smaller children almost the entire time I have been in school myself (as opposed to junior/senior high school kids, most of whom need a good swift kick in the pants, or a stiff drink, which I dole out freely. Just fucking kidding. Get a sense of humor!). Primarily, they are still impressionable, and extremely labor intensive. I love them, I just don't feel like I can give them enough right now. Ummm...I just took a 6 week sub position at the Kindergarten level. If I can get through this and still get A's, I'll take a million weeks off. Right after I finish doing this one little thing here...

2. I seem to have gained some weight as of late, so I pulled out my WeightWatchers points. This pisses me off because I have been working out intensively, and NONE OF MY PANTS FIT. If I were in the States, I am at the point where I would not be above and beyond buying some new pants in a larger size, so I don't look like a stuffed sausage. However, here, blah blah blah 1 store blah blah blah wear what everyone else is wearing blah blah blah you're so vain blah blah blah all Japanese women are size 0 blah blah blah at least all the clothes they sell are blah blah blah where do the larger women shop? Do they run around naked? AND I figured out that I had been eating ALL THE WRONG THINGS (like salmon, halibut, olives, ummm...stuff I love) and that I will have to starve to death to maintain 25 points a day. A breakfast bar is 3 points for PETE's sake. An egg 2. SHEE-IT, I do not like having to be preoccupied with weight gain, but seeing as I cannot buy larger clothes that FIT ME, I will have to continue torturing myself by stuffing myself into clothes that are too small. *This is great for the female ego, folks. Try it EVERY day!*(Takes swig of water, dribbles out of side of my mouth where she has no feeling due to surgery onto new shirt advertising her very favorite food in the world) Take that, body. Shrink, DAMN YOU!

3. When I was little, Momma used to spit about these foreign service parties that she hated going to because every time she opened her mouth to make a remark, all the men there looked at her like, "Hmmm. That vagina has a mouth. Now ain't that the damndest thing!" Growing up, because I was not exposed to these kind of people, I thought maybe she was being a little overly sensitive. Well, y'all, ladies and gentleman, they have taken me to their leaders, and I have found where they are all hiding. D.H. works for them. I spent the better part of Thursday evening with a permagrin affixed to my face after being ignored? disregarded? into bored silence. Token perfect AF wife, *THAT'S ME!* (insert fake eye and tooth twinkle and thumb gesturing to chest here!) Oh, don't let me forget to tell you about the disapproving looks I got, because DAMNIT women should wear skirts, and I wore a pair of classic tuxedo slacks. What in (You must read this "the" as "THEE" for the full effect) the *HELL* was I thinking?

4. My family. Death to bring to family together. This chaps my ass, which is TCWH for makes me really sad. LIFE IS SHORT. Enjoy who and what you've got. If you don't want to talk to a person for whatever reason, DON'T. But don't let death be the key to the floodgates of communication. Or the trickle of communication. PAH. What the hell do I know, anyway?

Okay. I think I can think clearly now.

Have one hell of a weekend, y'all.

He's PINK! And He's Proud! I want y'all to look at this picture very carefully. Am I the only who finds this mildly disturbing? Why is a man, who is clearly NOT OUR BELOVED ZORRO, and was accused (although later cleared, because you know, she whored herself up enough not to look like a minor! Damn you Mary Kay!) of sex with a minor/child molestation (I'm feeling nice today. Take your pick) presenting himself to the public, like this? WHAT?! THE?! FUCK?! I mean, to quote Chippy HO, "I'm wanted by the Fashion Police in 50 States" and abroad, but even I know that this pink atrocity is a BIG MISTAKE. And I want to know: R. KELLY, what are you hiding? If he has a facial disfiguration, why can't he just slap a band-aid on it, like Nelly? (Yes, YES! I know what the band aid is really for! I read TEEN BEAST!)

Have a nice day.

*Edited to add random thoughts: Isn't it ironic that I am ridiculing a grown man for censoring his face, although I posted a picture of myself the day before in which I am also wearing protective eyegear? Hmmm...coincidence? I think not. I, for one, like my boys a little bit older. I used to have a friend who said, "Old enough to pee, old enough for me!" which tells you the caliber of people I ran across in college - but my point is that cradle robbing is not my style. I also am not on TV, but damnit I SHOULD BE! MTV came to Saipan for a Pacific MTV, I guess, and out of all the people that tried out, I was number 5. How many people did they want? FOUR. FUCKING FOUR. They kept saying, "Wow, so you're the 5th girl." Whoever said one is the loneliest number is full of shit. I know for a fact that it is the number five. BUT, Thank God I was number five, because I think I have already embarassed myself enough - we don't need my less than superhuman moments on TV to be recorded forever and ever amen.I think...no wait, wait, wait. I KNOW my parents would disown me. As would my husband, students, in-laws, cousins, florist's gardener. Everyone. Don't call us, we'll call you! My point, exactly? R.Kelly! Get with it! Get a new stylist! Get something. Just get out of that pink shiny Zorro ugliness. Please, we're begging you. We just ate. I should make this an essay for tomorrow. If R.Kelly were making a statement, what would he be saying? 100 words or less. Double spaced. Times New Roman. Go!

Mr. Producer? I'm Ready for My Close - UP!

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. There is also a military wife by the name of TCWH who likes to go out and make an ass out of herself in Japan. She doesn't make it on the "nice" list for Christmas very often. Just in case you all were wondering what in the hell I looked like. I usually try not to post pictures of myself, but this one takes the whole damn sponge cake. Have a good laugh at my expense. I already spit yogurt out of my nose when I finally got this. P.S. If you look behind me, those are the creepy mullet men I was talking about. *Shudder*

Today? When I was subbing in the 1st grade? I had to read a book to the kids? The name? Was BOX and COX ! Can y'all fucking believe this? It was also about TWO men who wanted to marry the same woman. It should have been called "Two Cox and Not Enough BOX!" (passing around tip jar) I was almost excited about this as when I first saw the penis in the castle on the "Little Mermaid" box.

And, the kids did a word hunt. The teacher had left a space where the kids could write down other words that the kids stumbled across that were not on the list. One of the little girls had clearly circled and written: ASS. First Grade! It's a hoot!

Marriage Vows 101

I received a wedding invitation today. The groom is the little brother of a boy I used to be very good friends with. I dated the big brother when he was 19, and I was 21 so...minus the 2, carry the 5...EONS AGO. I met this kid when he was 14. And now he's getting married. Because his big brother is no longer with us, I have various talks with TGTB (The Groom To Be), about love and life in general. When I got the invitation today, I started thinking about what they should really say during wedding vows. Instead of all that love, honor, cherish...all those flowery words...that bring to mind frilly aprons and pillow fights, I think the minister/pastor/rabbi/friend (Insert appropriate officiant here) should be truthful. I mean, they make you go to all that marriage counseling...they should have a fairly accurate take on what the people are like.

Maybe not. D.H. and I got married at the JOP (Almost free!free!free!), and it was a lovely ceremony. The judge spouted beauty about circles and two lives intertwined as one...Perhaps she really should have said something like this:

JOP: Do you, D.H., promise to love this woman despite the fact that she will bug you ceaselessly about her pet peeves? Do you promise to love her even though every time you leave anything open (lotion cap, cabinet door, etc.) she will come to you and passively agressively ask you why you don't like to close anything? Do you promise to love her despite the fact that she will only like your cooking about 85% of the time? She will also become ridiculously engrossed in school and work, leaving no time for laundry, dishes or otherwise extra-curricular activities. She will harp on you endlessly about your bad habits but conveniently forget hers. She will also spend money, hate golfing, ask you if she looks fat repeatedly, hate you when you tell the truth, and complain that she feels lonely when you join classes. She will be bitchy 10 - 30 days of the month, and threaten death by paper cuts if you ask her if she needs help. She will be overly sensitive, cry more than she should, and exercise less than she should. She will also admit to being a hypocrite and still only notice your faults. IF you still think that you can love her after all of this, then please say, "I Do."

I think something like that should cover it. It might help to lower the divorce rate! Marriage is for life! Maybe I should become ordained so I can perform my own weddings.

Happy Wedding Bride and Groom To BE! Much love, hugs, and kisses to you both.